Sabotage

This is the disclaimer that I don’t need yet I want to give: I like to tell stories and this is MY platform where I have the freedom to do so. With that being said, I’m trying to get over caring what “characters” in my stories may come across a post or how they may feel about it. This is my truth.


So a few times I’ve written about how important it is to let things go but listen… everyone has an addiction. It seems mine is “rekindling.” I love to reconnect, whether it’s healthy or not. Anyway.

I’m home for a few days in between the end of summer classes and the start of the next thing I’ll be doing in DC, so I link with my friend. Yes, we’ll call him my friend and not just a guy because I think he’s earned that. Let’s be clear- this is not a “men are trash” or “my feelings are hurt” post in the slightest. Not at all lol. He’s a great guy and I appreciate his “friendship”. Anyway he makes plans and I follow them. ATM. And, from the time I walk through his front door and get that ‘adults are watching so lets just side-hug’ embrace, the crush resurfaces and I feel like I’m 15 again. But remember I’m not here telling you about the friend I’ve been with since I was 15, so obviously that didn’t end well. If we’re saying it ended. Let’s not get all technical. It is what it is.

I was as young as 15 when I began to sabotage.

Fast forward though because that’s not the point here. Fast forward through this evening. Fast forward to the question.

I’ve been wondering how he’d answer this question all night (and a majority of the time we’ve known each other, if I’m being honest). I’m building up the courage to ask though because I know it could go left, and I’m scary sometimes. I wait until we get on the highway back towards home, almost to the exit, when I decide it’s the ideal time to get this over with. (Ladies, if you want to ask a man a question but you’re scary like I am, catch him while he’s driving). Anyway. I am ready. So I look at him. “[His name],” I say. I’ve been wearing it out all night so I’m sure hearing it in this moment wasn’t at all alarming to him. “Have you ever actually like really disliked me?”

“Yes.”

LOL. Although I assumed that to be true I still think it’s funny how he answered so nonchalantly. He didn’t actually stop there though so it was cool. Details of the conversation that ensued are ours collectively, and I’m only here to share my story so I’ll leave it at that. But I will say it gave validation to something I’ve been noticing as I reflect: I have a tendency to sabotage things for myself.

Sometimes I look back on things I’ve done and tendencies I have and I’m just like, sis- do you want to be happy? You just love to overcomplicate things, don’t you? Truth is I’m an over thinker. I’m a worrier. And I can be very protective of my feelings, sometimes unnecessarily. It’s like waking up skeptically before your alarm when the amount of sleep you’re getting seems too good to be true. That’s me in just about everything in life. Always so skeptical. Always missing out on the sleep I could get if I’d just wait on the actual alarm.

Now I definitely know, in this case, how and why I’ve sabotaged. I know the root of my hesitation. I know my fears. Again, that’s not the point here.

I need to stop making things harder than they need to be. I have a lot of growing to do.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

– Jade M Ernest

 

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